Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
