If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just invented taco cereal.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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