just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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