his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
