Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
