So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
