you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
