I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
