seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
