i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
