She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We need a shit load of segways right now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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