I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
