I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
