at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
