Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
