there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
