The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize