The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
