mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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