Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
