dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
