Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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