Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
