you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
