saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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