just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
