Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
