She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
