I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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