Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
