The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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