allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
