i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
