pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
is that a dick in a sweater?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
