I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She bit a glass in half.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
