i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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