guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
it hurts more in the daytime
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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