hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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