LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
