I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize