I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
