My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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