I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
