So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
