You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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