And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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