We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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