It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We left an ass print on the piano.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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