It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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