In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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