miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
