i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
