it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
