gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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