theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Randomize